Worried to death

Waiting on a download....

There was a time when my view was fairly focused and simple.  Of course that has been many many years now.  Anxiety has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.  As a younger boy I remember one of the earliest on-set's of anxiety was when my dad had told me there was a comet which had passed very close to the earth.  I remember thinking about life ending and being quite afraid and anxious, needless to say my day was consumed with worry.  It always passes, more due to lack of interest than anything.

I have been anxious over school, girls, work, family, money, well you name it and I have had an issue with worry.  Now I know this isn't an uncommon problem, though I take it very personally of course.  Music has always given comfort and even answers in times that I couldn't get out of worry by mere thought.  It is one of the only outlets I have found in life, weather it is listening to it or playing.  I am sure there is a deeper reality to what music is and what its function is in the universe.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication make your request know to God."

Time to blog!

  Ok, again, too long in between blogs.  I need to keep up so I can maybe do some more concise and not so off the wall posts.  Though, my brain seems to function like that normally...

  I've been up and down, tired, excited nerdy and boring.  Some of my latest endeavors have me in multiple emotional stats daily.  Biggest being, my wife is pregnant! Another kid sounds like a good time.  Also, new job for a small company owned by a family friend.  Same work, better conditions, more opportunity.  Good/bad idea, I got smart phones for my wife and I.  I am a bit obsessive about it.

  I never thought family would be so good.  I knew I wanted it, but it was such a far off notion, almost un-attainable.  I am proud to be a dad, and more so to be more than once.  I am not sure what it is going to be like, seeing as I never had siblings that close growing up.  I am excited to see how this plays out and what a blessing it will be on all of us.

  Work is not a fun task, it is a must do type of thing.  If you can have a little fun while you do it, all the better.  I had fun with electrical and fire alarm all along, though environment is key to staying positive.  I wont say it was any one fault or issue that made it that way, but it sure wasn't solvable.  Now I am in a situation where I know everything is honest, even if it is always cheery and fun.  I have a lot of improving to do, and skills that I need to gain.  Some bad habits came about, brought on by teaching myself i guess.  This also requires me to actually train my brain to retain more information and be able to process it efficiently.

  Now the sad part of the story: I am a total nerd!  I get a smart phone and I love it, get apps and connect all my social accounts.  As if there wasn't enough to do in the normal realm of smart phones, I decide to go and hack it...  It's called root, which gives you access to secured files in the phone, allowing you to change what ever you want.  Obviously, I get way to in to it and try everything possible.  It's not like that is all I do, especially not now, I've tried just about everything and have settled on a few options.

  All in all I am pleased, not content though to stay where I am at the moment.  I had a moment the other day, that was a humbling experience.  I flat out told God I don't deserve stuff, and He blessed me with the assurance that He cares even about my worthless stuff.  I realized that I need more passion in my relationship with God, and now need to implement it.

Blogged

Has anyone seen my head?

We are all familiar with the saying, "I'd loose my head if it weren't attached," well, not only do I sympathize with if but sometimes feel that it would be all the better if I did loose it so I would have an excuse for absent mindedness.  I tend to be a bit hard on myself when it comes to performance.  "A worker is worthy of his wages," and "Do not muzzle the ox while it treads out grain."  I understand a hard days work, and my dad can attest that I had to learn the hard way.  


Learning to work is a common occurrence, all people have to do it or they don't eat or have a home.  So I work hard to provide for my family.  The bible commends this as a good thing, our nation seconds the motion, and I know my wife and child appreciate my drive to provide for them.  I, however, try to strive to do my best and often feel that I am failing.  I know that I produce decent work in a fairly reasonable time... some of the time.  Someone pays to have work done, the workers work within the means of the price paid, and the remainder is the profit to the company.  My goal= use less of the alloted amount to increase profit.  Making more money for the boss means you are worth more.


I am sure we all have those days where we forget everything and everything is against us, yeah I have had a few too.  What gets me is that I know in my head what I forgot or what I needed to do to make it go smoother, yet I didn't...  When I do work for myself this doesn't have a huge effect except for my time compared to my pay.  But, when it's for the boss, I am not profitable.  I feel I need to work on my memory skills and multitasking abilities to avoid these situations.


"Slow and steady wins the race."  Slow and steady, doing it correctly the first time will yield better results the second time around.  If you are focused and take a moment longer to assure you are doing your task correctly it will be done well and if you go to repeat it you will have a better knowledge of what is required.  In my line of work there can be a lot of repetition and this kind of planning is necessary. Though sometimes I tend to get caught up in a hurry and this is when things get rough.


Pray for me, for patience with myself, and for sharpness in my mind.  I want to be profitable to my bosses and to others.  I desire to have a sharp wit and mind to give an answer and resolve a situation.  I'd like to be more efficient and less wasteful.  You can probably see where this would apply to situations outside of work as well.  In life we need to take the time to do things profitably and with out wastefulness.

Quick rant

Just a couple thoughts...

For you Chico people, how many of you have tried the Bear?  Madison Bear Gardens that is, bar and grill type of place.  Well I have only been there twice, I believe, once with Aaron for fries and Guinness.  And, again just the other day, and let me say: its decent.  Of course it is more of a bar type of place, so not a family joint, but fun none the less.  I am not a bar type of guy at all, but the burgers are killer.  The fries however are sadly bland.  For all the drunkies looking to get something to soak up the beer they will do, but next to the burger... nah!

I have been invited to play with one of the worship teams at my church.  A fun affair for sure, seeing that I love a good jam.  I need to get more used to actually playing complimenting parts.  A great bass player makes a strong foundation and can support in times need for the guitar.  Though one of the common things I hear is that the bass lines tend to "out-do" the vocals.... no bueno, unless it is a band without vocals and happens to be a bass led song.  I do feel that in most music, bass is really just something that is there because it should be.  Like why all punk bands stick to a 1, 4, 5 chord progression with a quick beat; both guitar and bass are equally distorted and played with a pick.  Bluegrass, is thought to always have that bouncy 1, 5 bass line (i.e. Folsom Prison Blues, Johnny Cash; not necessarily bluegrass I know but a spin of for sure.)  In other words, I want to be an "active" player but not so noticed for all my fancy techniques, but rather that on a subconscious level the band sounds better do to where I can fill in with the lower set of notes.

I love being a dad, I smile many times a day just because of my little boy.  Seeing pictures in my phone even, I get a bit choked up.  He is just a joy to have and to watch him grow and learn new things.  I do have, in the back of my head, a little nagging, thinking about stuff I want for him and what I need to do to achieve those things and whether or not I am living my life in a way I would want him to follow.... and so on.  But I am confident that if I continue to strive after Jesus, He will direct me and Josiah will follow His example.

Thats about it...